Me at the Warrior Dash

One of my pictures on my online dating profile … my strategy is to wow them with my athletic prowess.

Have you ever tried online dating? Let me tell you, it’s the worst. However, as a single, semi-introverted, twenty-something living mostly on her own, it seemed like the logical thing to do. I joined with a friend, because it felt less crazy that way, and we jumped straight into the world of semi-anonymous, sexually charged, online messaging. Now, I don’t know if you know anything about the trends in online dating, but being a female is good. So, at least I’ve got that going for me. Immediately upon joining, I was bombarded with messages from all of these men who lived in my town – and some who did not live anywhere near by.

Dozens of messages came in per hour. Literally. Some of them were nice, thoughtful, and used proper grammar. Others, however … were more sketchy – and because they were sketchy, I found them hilarious. I wonder if any of these messages are actually successful. Someone should do a study. Some of the messages aren’t even that well thought out. My favorite most hated? The classic “Hey.

Coincidentally, “hey” makes my list as one of the top ten WORST pickup lines I have ever received via online dating. To bring some laughs to the ladies out there who know what I’m talking about, and maybe even offer some advice to the gentlemen out there genuinely trying to meet a person, I’d like to offer my ten worst messages I have ever received from men through dating sites. Prepare to be, well if not astonished, then at least vaguely amused about my chances of having a date this weekend.

My Ten Worst Online Dating Pickup Lines

Zooey in New Girl About Online Dating

I hear you, Zooey. Some of these messages make me suspicious of the same thing …

  1. “Hey”
    Never, ever, EVER send a message that only says “hey.” What are we supposed to do with that? It’s lazy. How am I supposed to respond? With another beautifully vague “hey”? I think no. There is a 100% chance I will not be responding to this.

  2. “Hey, I knew I would feel awkward if I ever clicked on a co-worker’s profile”

  3. “Good evening, Happy Thursday. I’m [insert name] from Chicago. I found your profile to be very superb and your aesthetic beauty left me suspensefully smiling. It’s evident the God’s took their time creating you darling… How are you?”
    Laying it on a little thick? And creepily? I’ll be backing away slowly now.

  4. “I’m gonna lay all the cards on the table for you to see. I’m currently in a fuck buddy relationship, not friends – purely sexual. …”
    I’m going to stop you there, bucko, because no. If you start your message this way, I’m already concerned.

  5. “OkCupid seems to think we have a bit in common though it could be better. You should probably answer some more questions.”
    This one baffles me. Are you trying to ask me out? Or just giving me advice for my profile? Either way, no thanks!

  6. “What’s your best body part?”
    My brain, thanks for asking!

  7. “So this is a totally random invite. I’m at the quality inn. Care to join for a dip in the hot tub?”
    This person is literally the origin of the term “creeper.” And plus, what if I’m allergic to hot tubs? Shortsighted, really.

  8. “I have never seen such magnetic eyes in my life. Am feeling a little shaky”
    Maybe you should see a doctor about that. I’m concerned about your health.

  9. “Can I be your slave? I’ll worship you at your feet! You can use and abuse me however you’d like!”
    That’s awfully trusting of you, sir.

  10. “Want to hook up?”
    Honestly, at least this guy is real. The answer’s no, but I appreciate the blunt attitude and the ability to take a hint. After all, when I didn’t respond I can guarantee he moved on looking for a willing participant. More power to you.

One last bonus message I just recently received:

“So, after a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories… you will always have a special place in my heart. Your ex-hubby, Patrick. P.S. You can keep the beach house in Florida as long as I can have the dog and my CD’s back.”

Apparently this is a strategy called “negging,” where you approach someone you’re interested in by saying negative things. Don’t worry, I responded to this guy. There is no way he’s getting the dog. Also … he owns CDs? What? #Spotify

Anyone else receive some quality messages from the fine folks in the online dating world? What’s your strategy for dealing with them?